Re: Just joking

by **Jessica** Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:47 am

Nice Zem!

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. As from next week, all forms will only be printed in English.

I dream of a world without plagiarism. Now you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

by **Jessica** Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:44 am

Kids have all their little SMS codes like BFF, WTF, LOL etc. so here’s some codes for the more mature…

ATD – At the doctors
BFF – Best friends funeral
BTW – Bring the wheelchair
FWIW – Forgot where I was
GGPBL – Got to go, pacemaker battery low
GHA – Got heartburn again
HGBM – Had good bowel movement
IMHO – Is my hearing-aid on
WAITT – Who am I talking to
GGLKI – Got to go, laxative kicking in

by **Aiden** Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:28 pm

There are loads of people in the town centre playing medieval instruments really badly. Will this mindless luting ever end?

by **Jessica** Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:49 am

by **Jessica** Sat Aug 13, 2011 3:27 am

I was driving home this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollable and looked really miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying 'English speaking Doctor'. I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

by **Jessica** Sun Aug 14, 2011 3:12 am

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a bench having a chat.

One turned to the other and said, "You know, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains, I know you're about my age, how do you feel?"

The other gent says, "Just like a newborn baby. I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!"

by **Jessica** Fri Aug 19, 2011 2:04 am

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move Wink

by **Aiden** Sat Aug 27, 2011 7:53 am

Chemistry jokes!

If you've got a problem with moles, call Avogadro on 602-1023.

what did the confused magnesium oxide say? OMg

neutron walks into a bar, ask the barman "how much for a pint"...... barman says "for you? no charge!"

A physicist, a chemist and a biologist go to the beach.
The physicist is intrigued by the motion of the waves so he dives in, but unfortunately he drowns and never comes back.
The biologist is fascinated by the undderwater life so he too dives in but also drowns and never comes back.
The chemist waits for them for quite a while, then takes out a notebook and writes: "both physicists and biologists are soluble in water."

Why do policemen like working overtime?
Because there's a good copper nitrate.

by **Jessica** Sat Sep 24, 2011 6:00 am

So why did the English wear red coats into battle?...

A long time ago Britain and France were at war. During one battle the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their hq, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the general asked "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they're shot the blood wont show, and the men they are leading wont panic.

And that is why, to this day, the French army officers wear brown trousers! Wink

by **madd_rocker** Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:00 pm

by **Jessica** Fri Oct 07, 2011 1:57 am

by Guest Fri Oct 07, 2011 2:26 pm

A man arrives at the gates of heaven where he is greeted by Saint Peter. Peter says to the man "I'm afraid that due to overcrowding, we can only accept people that have done very good deeds in their lives so if you tell me of one good deed in your life you can come in". The man thinks for a while before saying "well there was one time. You see I was walking down the street when I heard a noise next to me, I looked into an alleyway and saw a gang of 20 bikers harassing a woman. I picked up a glass bottle off the ground, went up to the biggest guy, who I took to be the leader and smashed the bottle onto his head." "go on" said saint Peter. "well he whirled around to look at me with fire in his eyes. I shouted HEY YOU DEGENERATE THUGS! WHY DON'T YOU PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE INSTEAD OF THIS POOR WOMAN!" "wow" said Peter, "that is truly courageous, you can come in. Just out of curiosity when did this happen?" "um, about 5 minutes ago"

by **Aiden** Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:50 pm

A cow was walking.

NEWTON stopped it.

it stopped.

he found his 1st law

"an object continues to move unless it's stopped".

He gave a FORCE by Kicking the Cow,

it Gave a Sound "MA"!

he formulated the 2nd Law, F=MA!!

After sometime the Cow gave a kick to Newton,

then he formulated the 3rd Law.

i.e, 'EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL & OPPOSITE REACTION'!

by **madd_rocker** Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:18 pm

But it is all so true. Shocked

by **Jessica** Wed Oct 12, 2011 3:37 am

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford...

"The material we put in our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

Red meat is full of steriods and dye, soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, and Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disasterous and none of us realise the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and most of us have or will have eaten it.

Can anyone tell me what food caused the most grief and suffering years after eating it?"

After several seconds, a 70 year old man raised his hand and softly said...

"Wedding cake?"

by **Aiden** Wed Oct 12, 2011 4:00 am

by **Jessica** Sat Oct 22, 2011 4:48 am

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him £50 he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He agreed, he said "the steaks are too high!"

by **madd_rocker** Mon Apr 16, 2012 9:25 am

by **Земляне** Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:24 am

Lol thats pretty true although not for me, 'Not Interested' and in the words of Abel Dmitri Rewanz 'Who knows it may change to a more textbook definition one day, but i doubt it.' (I've waited to use that quote for ages)

by **Jessica** Wed Apr 18, 2012 2:48 am

Nice one guys Very Happy

by **Jessica** Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:11 am

I think people should stop the horrible jokes about the sad death of Donna Summer - Enough is Enough

The Bee Gees have just released one of their old classics with a re-named title... How Deep Is Your Bruv

by **Aiden** Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:55 pm

Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?

Because all they need to do to get a tan is to divide Sine by Cosine

by **Земляне** Sat Jun 02, 2012 4:10 pm

ohhhh mathmatics thou beeth thine enemy.

by **Jessica** Sat Aug 18, 2012 3:37 am

2 rules to success in life:

1) Don't tell people everything you know!

by **madd_rocker** Sat Aug 18, 2012 11:46 pm

And................................oh wait, now I get it Smile

by **Jessica** Sat Sep 08, 2012 2:44 am

I asked my boss where I should put a roll of bubble wrap yesterday. He told me to pop it in the store room... it took me 3 bloody hours!

by **Земляне** Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:18 am

Jessica wrote:I asked my boss where I should put a roll of bubble wrap yesterday. He told me to pop it in the store room... it took me 3 bloody hours!

took you that long!

by **madd_rocker** Sat Sep 08, 2012 11:47 am

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUpXJ2PHsqg&feature=youtu.be ROFL

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