Just joking

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Just joking

Post by Jessica on Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:04 am

For any jokes you encounter. My first...

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."

So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."

The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Laughing
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Re: Just joking

Post by Shane on Mon Nov 16, 2009 3:55 pm


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A letter to Cats and Dogs

Post by GreasedupBadger on Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:22 pm

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids .they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


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Re: Just joking

Post by Shane on Mon Nov 16, 2009 6:25 pm

lol! So true.

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:40 am

Nice one Brock. Now I know why I own a budgie Laughing
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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:44 am

jessica wrote:Nice one Brock. Now I know why I own a budgie Laughing


to have something to go with your potatos?

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:56 am

No, because I can't teach my fish to talk Cool
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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 17, 2009 5:59 am

jessica wrote:No, because I can't teach my fish to talk Cool

i taught mine to say bob.

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:14 am

Two crisps were going down the road, a taxi stopped and asked if they wanted a lift. The crisps said "No thanks, we're Walkers!" Laughing

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:09 pm

Here's an interesting dilemma. How would you react?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in whichyou will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION

You are in England , York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer.... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or, You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men.



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Wed Nov 18, 2009 12:14 pm

lol!

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Resume Reality

Post by GreasedupBadger on Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:01 pm

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Fri Nov 20, 2009 4:09 am

Looks like I'll have to reword my CV, oh bum Laughing

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:29 pm

A man wakes up in hospital with severe brusing to the face and head and several teeth missing together with a 9 iron wrapped around his neck.

The doctor asks "What happened."
The man replied " Well I was playing golf with the wife when we both lost our balls in a nearby field, we went looking for them and I found one stuck up a cows fanny"

"I shouted my wife to come over and lifting the cows tail I said "this one looks like yours" I don't remember much after that.......

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:34 pm

Sometimes you need to keep the stereotypes going..

Scottish Thrift



A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."



"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.



"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.



The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way..."

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:35 pm

An old pikey woman is giving her daughter some advice on the day of her wedding. She says to the young girl " Tonight after you are married your new husband will want to stick his most prized possession in the place that you take a pee....."

The girl replies "Why the hell would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink? "

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:36 pm

A charity pantomime in aid of homosexual Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted "He's behind you!".

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:37 pm

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars
Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parent s put their plan into operation:


'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.


'An ambulance just drove by!'


'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.


'Matt's riding a new bike!'


'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'


'Jason is on his skate board!'


After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'


Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'


'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:38 pm

At the 2002 world woman’s conference the first speaker from Canada stood up.
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing..
But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."


The crowd cheered.


The second speaker from France stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it
himself.
After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I saw that he had not only done his own washing but my washing as well."


The crowd cheered.


The third speaker from Glasgow stood up:
"Efter last year's conference ah went hame and telt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin, cleanin or shoppin and that he wid hiftde dae it himsel.
Efter the first day ah saw nuthin'.
Efter the second day ah saw nuthin'.
But efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:39 pm

Some people should not be allowed to go on holiday! (Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)
________________________________________
(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Fri Nov 20, 2009 4:18 pm

Nice one Smurfy, I especially loved the first two, such 'British' comments lol!

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Sat Nov 21, 2009 6:01 am

Women and cats will always do as they please, men and dogs should just relax and get used to it Wink

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Sun Nov 22, 2009 6:59 am

A snail got rich and fulfilled a lifelong dream by buying a racing car and lodging an entry in the Grand Prix.

He painted the letter 'S' for snail on the side of his speedy machine.

When he raced down the straight the crowd roared "Look at that 'S' car go!"

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Re: Just joking

Post by Jessica on Sun Nov 22, 2009 7:28 am

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school. In one class they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy. A little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

"No", said Gordon - "that would be an accident".

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not", explained Gordon, "that's what we would call great loss".

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?".

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said "If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Gordon. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?".

'Well", says little Johnny "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

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Re: Just joking

Post by Guest on Mon Nov 23, 2009 4:53 am

Jessica wrote:A snail got rich and fulfilled a lifelong dream by buying a racing car and lodging an entry in the Grand Prix.

He painted the letter 'S' for snail on the side of his speedy machine.

When he raced down the straight the crowd roared "Look at that 'S' car go!"


you or rosie??? Dancing

Pappa

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Re: Just joking

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