Re: Just joking

by **Jessica** Thu Mar 18, 2010 11:21 am

Supurb! I so hope this is real. Love it!!! clap

by Guest Fri Mar 26, 2010 8:08 am

Trafalgar.........today

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Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"

by **Jessica** Sat Apr 03, 2010 4:46 am

Paddy was doing a crossword, and he said to Mick "Flightless bird from Iceland, 6 + 7 letters?"

"Well that's bloody easy" said Mick...

"Frozen chicken"!

by **Jessica** Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:12 pm

Jack was dying, his wife Becky was by his bedside.

"Becky, I have something I must confess to you." he said.

"Ssshhh, no need honey, everything's all right."

"But I must tell you something before I go, I need to die in peace.... I had sex with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"Don't worry, I know" said Becky, "that's why I poisioned you, now just close your eyes and die!"

by **madd_rocker** Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:13 pm

Ouch,

by **Jessica** Wed Apr 21, 2010 11:31 am

Doctor's reception................

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have exerienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, 'hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ' you shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'you shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. ....................... The waiting room erupted in laughter.

by **Jessica** Wed Apr 21, 2010 11:49 am

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,' Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.'

Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, 'Mike--Mike.'

'Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Mike--it's me, Joe.'

'You're not Joe. Joe just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Joe,' insists the voice.

'Joe! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Joe. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Mike.

'The good news,' Joe says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Mike. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

by **Jessica** Sat May 01, 2010 2:35 am

I was going to tell a few jokes about the Iceland volcano problems, but I think it's too early. I'll wait until the dust settles.

by **Jessica** Sat May 01, 2010 2:49 am

A husband and wife were out driving, but not talking after a row. They pass a farm and see a field with mules and pigs in it.

The husband asks sarcastically "Relatives of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yes they are, the bloody in-laws!"

by **Jessica** Wed May 05, 2010 10:38 am

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you....

Be some drinking"

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em".

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.

"More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! - I'll be there; Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

by **Jessica** Sat May 08, 2010 5:39 am

Rosie suggested a new book just out:

Cat in my Bed, by Claude Bottom.

by **Jessica** Thu May 13, 2010 9:50 am

The Tesco Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Man United top walked into Tesco in Tallaght with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Tesco greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck no, they're not bleeding twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Tesco.'

by **madd_rocker** Thu May 13, 2010 9:51 am

by **Jessica** Thu May 13, 2010 9:59 am

The Sensitive Man...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips he responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest, and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.

by Guest Thu May 13, 2010 10:07 am

was i the only one to get a little turned on when reading that?

by **Jessica** Thu May 13, 2010 10:12 am

pappasmurf22 wrote- was i the only one to get a little turned on when reading that?

Probably.

Define 'a little' Laughing

by Guest Thu May 13, 2010 2:48 pm

about 7"

by **Jessica** Fri May 14, 2010 2:59 am

by **Jessica** Mon May 24, 2010 11:06 am

Have you ever noticed how it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He/she was the perfect son/daughter"
"Such a tragic accident to happen to such a lovely person"
"They were the perfect couple/family"
"Awful this should happen to such a wonderful man/woman"

Now..... aren't you glad you're such a prat!

by **madd_rocker** Mon May 24, 2010 8:40 pm

More human than human comes to mind. Laughing

by **Jessica** Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:58 am

Blimey, that serial killer was good, finding 3 white girls in Bradford can't have been easy

by **Aiden** Wed Jun 02, 2010 2:33 pm

by **Jessica** Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:09 am

Heskey has been replaced in the England squad by a cumbrian taxi driver; apparently he's had more shots on target yesterday than Heskey had all season.

by Guest Thu Jun 03, 2010 7:43 am

bit soon

by **Jessica** Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:24 am

Mmm, sorry. Sometimes the cringeworthy ones still make me giggle Embarassed

by **Jessica** Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:47 am

The NHS are doing a survey, any man with a penis 3 inches or smaller has to display a white flag with a reg cross on it on his car.

by Guest Tue Jun 08, 2010 11:54 am

what about the 2 ,30ft flags i saw on a house today?

by **Aiden** Thu Jun 10, 2010 10:41 am

LMAO jess

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