Just joking

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Young Freddie bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Freddie replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Freddie said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Freddie said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Freddie said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Freddie and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Freddie said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Freddie said, 'Only the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Freddie now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year
old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to
come over.

John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it
out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh1t.

A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before,
But who were both married to other people,
Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper
berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,........... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f *** ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.

Ooo, so true!

A man's translations

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Brilliant honesty there Brock, and you're perfectly correct

Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight..

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? It's hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* the person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................. Who's sending the other one?

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger
(though God knows how many takes it took..!!)

The irony is that they received not one complaint..!!

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the winging herds..!!

Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...


This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge , and the other was called Betty Swallocks .

They were really forrible huckers.

They had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn’t let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.

Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks and losing her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart.

“Who's fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince.

“Blame that fugly ucker over there!" said Mary Hinge .

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.

This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

THE END.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.

Five Rules of Wisdom For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

2 crisps are walking down a road and a taxi came beside them and asked "want a lift?" the crisps said "no thanks we are Walkers!"

Very good Cariad

a robber walks into a house
he was about to steal a t.v.
a voice behind him says "jesus can see you, jesus doesn't like you, jesus will kill you"
the robber turns around and discoveres it's only a parrot
"Whats your name?" says the robber
"Moses" the parrot replies
the robber cracks up laughing, "who would name their parrot Moses?"
the parrot says " the kind of people who name their rottwieler jesus"