Just joking

Ouch!

LOL!

Oh no

Mick and Paddy reading headstones near a cemetary when Mick says: ‘Paddy der is a fella here who wes 152’.

‘Whats his name’ asks Paddy

Mick replies: ‘Miles from London’



The drop in the number of suicide bombers has been put down to Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to Paradise anymore.



5 Signs you may be a Taliban:

1. You have more wives than teeth

2. You own a $5,000 Rocket Launcher but cant afford shoes

3. You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer

4. You think vests come in 2 styles: Bullet Proof and Suicide

5. You wipe you arse with your bare hand but consider Bacon is unclean



Lets test the way you think. Read this – thepenisinmymouth – Did you read ‘the pen is in my mouth’, The **** You Did....... Cock Sucker.



Paddy shows an Essex Girl the L + R labels in his Wellies explaing they mean Left and Right – Oh exclaims the girl, now I know what C&A label means in my Thong.


A little boy says to a priest – ‘kiss me, kiss me’.

‘I cant’ said the priest, ‘it would be unethical and to be honest I shouldnt even be wanking you off’.



I rang the Samaritans last night and they put me through to a Call Centre in Pakistan. I said I was feeling Suicidal and they got excited and asked me if I could fly a plane

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young

blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.



It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark

there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from

the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red

mark on his cheek.



The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark

and she slapped him"



The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me

in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"



The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the

dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"



The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I

can slap that French twat again"

Very good!

Oooppsss, missed that one

haha

Whats worse than a dog chewing a shoe?

A killer whale eating a trainer.

ouch!!!

A guy goes to the local council for a job. The interviewer asks him ' are you allergic to anything?' 'Yes caffeine' he answers. 'Have you ever been in the armed forces?' ' yes iraq for 2 years' he says. ' are you disabled in anyway?' 'yes' he replies ' a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off'. The interviewer says ok your hired the hours are 8am till 3pm but you can start at 10am everyday. The guy looks puzzled and asks why 10am? The interviewer says 'this is a council job, for the first 2 hours we stand around drinkin coffee and scratchin our bollocks so not much point you comin in for that.'

lol good one brock

Nice one!

The following quotations are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Regardless of originations, they can be eye openers as to the mentality of those engaged in the drill...


| ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
| WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
| WITNESS: No, I just lie there...
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
| WITNESS: Yes.
| ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
| WITNESS: I forget.
| ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
| ___________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
| WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
| ____________________________________
| ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
| WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
| ___________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
| WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
| _________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
| WITNESS: Yes.
| ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
| WITNESS: getting laid
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
| WITNESS: Yes.
| ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
| WITNESS: None.
| ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
| WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
| WITNESS: By death.
| ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
| WITNESS: Take a guess.
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
| WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
| ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
| WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
| _____________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
| WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
| ______________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
| WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
| _________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
| WITNESS: Oral.
| _________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
| WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
| ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
| WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
| ____________________________________________
| ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
| WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
| ______________________________________
| And the best for last:
| ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
| WITNESS: No.
| ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
| WITNESS: No.
| ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
| WITNESS: No.
| ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
| WITNESS: No.
| ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
| WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
| ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
| WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Brilliant, I really love the Dr ones

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't.. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
________________________________________
An elderly gentleman... .
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
________________________________________

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
________________________________________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
________________________________________

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know..'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
________________________________________
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
________________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
________________________________________

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me InDowntown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you . but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Supurb! I so hope this is real. Love it!!!

Trafalgar.........today

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ..................... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"