Just joking

Jessica wrote:A snail got rich and fulfilled a lifelong dream by buying a racing car and lodging an entry in the Grand Prix.

He painted the letter 'S' for snail on the side of his speedy machine.

When he raced down the straight the crowd roared "Look at that 'S' car go!"

you or rosie???

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred
to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter
from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's cart when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time
and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMT's were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his
nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11 ..October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12 .October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13 .October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14 .October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but certainly not least:

15 ..October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

once again bangin you had made me do a little wee.

Supurb Bangin! 1,2, and 7 had me in tears!

not sure but when i read this i thought of you pappa

Bangin, you're so right, I can just imagine Smurfy getting up to that

i may have done 1, 3, 4, 7, and 8 but thats it!!!

A friend of mine and I were on a beer run, and we noticed that the cases were on 10% discount, so we bought 2. The cashier multiplied 2 x 10% and gave us 20% discount - yes, she's allowed to vote too

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF!

My nookie days are over!
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
is now my water spout!

Time was when on its own,
from my trousers it would spring,
but now its just a full time job,
to find the fooking thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave,
for every single morning
it would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head
and watch me tie my shoes!!!

just for pappa http://www.egg2.com/games/ride_that_donkey.htm

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the **** away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank goodness you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!

Nice one!

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks their Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women, and sir, sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No, not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fishermans Friend pub. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said! Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight! Sadly 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who has Allsorts!
__________________

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Very topical

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!..What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,

Fcuk me.
How much water did you drink!?'

nice

INTERNET WARNING

If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Cherie Blair,"

don't open it....

It contains a nude photo of Cherie Blair.

Young Freddie bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Freddie replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Freddie said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Freddie said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Freddie said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Freddie and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Freddie said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Freddie said, 'Only the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Freddie now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland.